Man, this guy is killing me right now. Just when I think the Dark Passenger has stepped out for a smoke and a six pack of Coors, I turn around and he has completed destroyed some of my favorite things. He’s put cigarette holes in my grandma’s quilt and shot my dog in the ear. And after I blink a couple of times I find myself holding the gun.
Here’s his latest trick, his deadly mantra.
Now I’m not talking pub trivia. I’m talking when I feel that I can lay claim to my rights or what is my possession. Doesn’t matter if it’s an argument or an agreement; it doesn’t matter if I’m talking theology or finances. It doesn’t matter what the circumstance, discussion, or conversation is worth. My Dark Passenger will put the brakes on any kind of open mindedness if my rights, possessions, intelligence, or success is on the line or threatened. You’re in my way? Doesn’t matter. You’re not working on my time-table? I’m charging forward.
And hidden in that sweet phrase, “I’m Right” is this phrase, “And you owe me, (expletive).” Since (oh, not if) I’m right, then you owe me respect, gratitude, or the honor of your humble apology. Because I’m so (bleeping) self-centered that I need to know that I’m right. I tuck myself into bed with a blanket of I’m Rights and if I don’t have them, I’m freezing out here.
And the concept, the mere thought, that I’m wrong is so beyond my capabilities right now.
I feel like I’ve been living in my house for 39 years and suddenly I smell this stench. I open up the basement door (which I didn’t even know what was there). I walk down the stairs and it’s filled with rotting clown dolls—thousands of them—with scary faces, just twitching there. And my Dark Passenger is in the back of the room on a workbench, making more of them, waving his cigarette at me, on his fifth Coors.
I (bleeping) hate that guy.
NOPE, NOT DONE YET
I’m working on this book called How to Reboot Your Life Without Going to Afghanistan. It’s fun. It’s quirky. I cover a bunch of topics: career, fitness, money, etc. But I get to this place where I’m just not happy with it.
I’m also working on a blog called FindingBrothers.com about male friendship and how to forge it. Still, blank pages. I write down ideas, but still….I’m not keen on it.
I’d like to write an article for the GoodMenProject.com detaling why I made this journey (to prove I’m a man, etc.) but when I try to write it, my head swims and I get out about 3 sentences and I delete the whole thing.
I was chatting with my friend Ben Eicher and he said, “Don’t worry about the blog—you’re not done yet.”
That’s right. I’m not done yet. I haven’t learned all the lessons, all the reflections and all the nuances.
I’m done yet. I still have about 138 days left. Lots more lessons in front of me. Maybe these projects will open up. Maybe I’ll find something else. But I have to keep learning and experiencing this landscape for the mere reason that I’ll never ever come back here again.
But there is one project I’m working on right now that I can only do here
You’ll find out this week faithful readers.